Come March every year, we all become obsessed with hoops and subject our aging livers to long nights at the bar yelling at a bunch of college kids, pulling off maneuvers we couldn’t do when we were actually 22 years old. But the true madness takes hold in the need to make everything a tournament, pitting absolutely anything against anything else in bracket form. What should we eat for breakfast – the #1 seeded scrambled eggs or the dark horse #16 bran muffin? In the Katie/James household, no decisions are made in the month of March that can’t be somehow determined by a bracket.
So in the spirit of our spiraling descent into actual madness, we present SFTB’s First Annual MLB March Madness bracket. Each team in the NCAA tournament is represented by the best MLB player to come from their school or at least the one that we knew best. Where a decent MLB player was either unavailable or unknown by Katie, we have replaced it with some symbol of the school or city.
MIDWEST
Jim Leyritz (KY) vs. DeVante Swing & Mr. Dalvin (1/2 of legendary R&B group Jodeci – Hampton)
The Matchup: Two-time World Series champ Jim Leyritz is no stranger to winning. Leyritz is right at home when it comes to meaningful games, having both hit a game-winning homerun in the NLDS off Randy Johnson and hit the final MLB homerun of the 20th century. Jodeci, however, is a much stronger opponent than that 16 seed gives them credit for. Despite being a terrible candidate for an MLB bracket, they have the distinct honor of being namedropped by Mariah Carey on her less-than-best album Glitter. That has to count for something.
The Edge: Jim Leyritz. 50% of Jodeci does not have the endurance Leyritz does as a Google search had to be executed to remind the authors just what legendary hits Jodeci actually had. Plus, they’re the half of Jodeci who is neither K-Ci nor Jojo.
Sandy Koufax (Cincinnati) vs. Bill “Moose” Skowron (Purdue)
The Matchup: Moose has the heart of Yankee fans, being a part of those great teams of the 50s and 60s, although he only hit a pathetic 28 home runs in 1961 while Mantle and Maris were having their chase. Skowron was a good hand, and an excellent first baseman during his 14-year career. Sometimes, though, you just hit a bad matchup. Cincy counters with Sandy Koufax, who was nicknamed “The Left Arm of God.” Seriously. No wonder he was dominant. A nickname like that has to scare any opposing hitter before they even get to the batter’s box. In April of 1966, Koufax was told he should retire. His arm couldn’t handle one more season. He did retire, but at the end of that season, one in which he won 27 games with a 1.73 ERA. He is easily one of the best pitchers ever.
The Edge: Thanks for stopping by Moose, there’s some nice parting gifts for you backstage.
Jedd Gyorko (WVA) vs. Buffalo Wings (Buffalo)
The Matchup: Jedd Gyorko (pronounced JERK-oh!) is a young, up and coming second baseman for the Padres. His .231 career average and 223 career strikeouts show that he’s more interested in swinging from his heels than anything else. His opponent? The mighty Buffalo Wing, which will be scarfed down by the dozen over the next four days as the tournament heats up.
The Edge: This is no contest. Would you rather eat a dozen Buffalo Wings or watch Gyorko swing and miss?
Ron Swoboda (Maryland) vs. Lloyd McClendon (Valparaiso)
The Matchup: Lloyd McClendon’s eight year MLB career can certainly be considered run of the mill. A lifetime batting average of .244 with only 25 homeruns is nothing to get too excited about. But since he last laced up as a player, McClendon’s value has soared. His .448% winning record as a manager might not strike fear in his opponents, but how far he can whip his hat in anger into a crowd sure does. But can Ron Swoboda, a member of the 1969 Miracle Mets, prevail?
The Edge: Lloyd McClendon. If Ron Swoboda even attempts to get in his way, McClendon will carry him off the field like he is nothing more than first base.
Pat Neshek (Butler) vs. Roger Clemens (Texas)
The Matchup: While we don’t personally subscribe to the belief that “if you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying”, Roger Clemens has all the makings of someone who keeps that mantra. The many controversies surrounding Clemens are far too lengthy to list in a single paragraph, so let’s instead focus on his accolades. The 11-time All Star, 7-time Cy Young Winner and former AL MVP is a terrifying opponent to draw in this bracket. Pat Neshek is known around baseball as an all-around good guy and had a comeback 2014 that made us all feel warm inside. Unfortunately, this matchup features Clemens as Bowser and Neshek as more of a Princess Peach circa the constant kidnap victim Super Mario 2 era.
The Edge: Roger Clemens, by a begrudging landslide.
Carl Yastrzemski (Notre Dame) vs. Carlos Pena (Northeastern)
The Matchup: Notre Dame alum Carl Yastrzemski is not only a Hall of Famer but also in the discussion for the greatest catcher to ever play the game. One-time electrical engineering major Carlos Pena is a perfectly serviceable athlete, but this match is a yawn.
The Edge: Yaz. Come on.
Joe Carter (Wichita) vs. Mickey Morandini (Indiana)
The Matchup: Morandini carved out a nice, eleven year career as a major league second baseman. He never scared you, but he never killed you either. Another plus was he was a part of the greatest team ever, the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies. (Editor’s note- greatest means they all liked to drink beer and chew tobacco and generally partied all the time.) He goes up against Joe Carter, who clubbed 396 home runs in his career.
The Edge: Carter. Just like in ’93, Morandini’s playoff chances end here at the hands of a walk off homer.
Tom Gorzelanny (Kansas) v. Billy the Kid (New Mexico State)
The Matchup: Gorzelanny is a journeyman pitcher who has pitched for five teams in his ten year career. He’s pitched to a 4.27 ERA. But being a lefty means you’ll always have an MLB bullpen job. It’s a tough draw for him as he is up against Billy the Kid. Even though he hasn’t made a headline since 1881, this contest is easy pickens.
The Edge: The veteran southpaw doesn’t have enough heat for this gunfight. Billy the Kid moves on.
EAST
Mike Garbark (Villanova) vs. Jeff Mutis (Lafayette)
The Matchup: A main event anywhere in the country! This battle of MLB stalwarts promises to be a knock-down, drag-out affair. In the blue corner is Garback, who batted .244 for the Yankees in 1944 and 1945. Waiting in the red corner is Mutis, who went 4-11 with an ERA north of six in four major league seasons.
The Edge: Both participants are disqualified for not being good enough.
Dan Plesac (NC State) vs. Albert Belle (LSU)
The Matchup: Plesac was a terror in the 80’s, a terrific closer for the Milwaukee Brewers. Plesac pitched into his forties and had a workman-like career. Soft-spoken Plesac is the perfect foil for his loudmouth opponent, Albert Belle. What more can be said about Belle? He was on a potential Hall of Fame path before injuries derailed his career. Just look at these home run numbers: 28, 34, 38, 36, 40 48, 30, 49, 37. That’s nine straight years of 30-plus homers.
The Edge: Belle clubs Plesac and it’s not even close.
Corn (Northern Iowa) vs. Art Howe (Wyoming)
The Matchup: Art Howe’s managerial career falls just short of a winning average at .498. His career as a player didn’t turn any heads, but did little harm. His pinnacle achievement to date could very well be that he was portrayed by late actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Moneyball. Corn is generally void of nutritional value but is fairly delicious on the cob.
The Edge: In a matchup almost too close to call, we are going to go with corn.
Fred Koster (Louisville) vs. Brady Anderson (UC Irvine)
The Matchup: Louisvile is not well represented in this tournament. Koster played one season in 1931, driving in eight runs. Brady Anderson’s best season totals were .288 (1997) 24 HRs (1999) and 81 RBIs (1999). Actually, that would be true if it wasn’t for his one 1996 outlier of a season when he inexplicably clubbed 50 homers and drove in 111 runs in the careerest of career years indeed. I’d not be doing my job if I didn’t mention his sweet 90210 sideburns as well.
The Edge: Anderson didn’t have to do much to win this round.
Lou Merloni (Providence) vs. Craig Stammen (Boise/Dayton)
The Matchup: Another stellar matchup. Merloni, over a nine year career, managed only 1085 at bats. The epitome of a benchwarmer. Stammen is equally as unimpressive. sporting a 3.94 career ERA. He also currently sports a 6.75 ERA in spring training this season, against players who will be bagging groceries in a week.
The Edge: In a last minute coaching decision, Merloni is replaced by the greatest alumnus in the history of Providence. God Shamgod. God cruises to the win.
Boomer Sooner Fight Song (Oklahoma) vs. Santa Claus (Albany)
The Matchup: If you’ve ever had the privilege of spending a college football Saturday with someone who was Sooner-born and Sooner-bred, you just might know how catchy the Boomer Sooner fight song is. In the 30 seconds of research time spent looking for former University of Albany MLB players, none were found but an important discovery was made. The legend of Santa Claus may have debuted in America in Albany. Based on these findings, Santa has graciously decided to step up to the plate to represent Albany.
The Edge: We’ve gotta give it to Santa Claus here. No one wants to end up on the naughty list.
Kirk Gibson (Michigan State) vs. Homer Thompson (Georgia)
The Matchup: Georgia looked at this matchup and knew they had no chance. Gibson is a hero of the people, two-time World Series Champion and owner of one of the most clutch home runs in World Series history. What else needs to be said? The selection of Thompson is a quality one, though. He played in 1912. That was his only season. He played in one game that season for two whole innings. He managed to have an error in that time so he’s in the box score! His namesake lives on as Homer Simpson’s fake name when he joined the witness protection program.
The Edge: Gibson doesn’t even need to hobble around the bases to secure this victory.
Ryan Zimmerman (VA) vs. Dwight Bernard (Belmont)
The Matchup: Zimmerman was the face of the Nationals while they were bad, and is still an important cog now that they are good. He is still the first person you think of when you think of Washington if you aren’t a total Bryce Harper homer. Bernard is yet another run-of-the-mill pitcher entered in this tournament, although his 4 year career and 4.14 ERA is an insult to mills everywhere.
The Edge: In our first upset of the tournament, Bernard hangs around just enough until Zimmerman inevitably gets hurt.
WEST
Bud Selig (Wisconsin) vs. Tommy La Stella (Coastal Carolina)
The Matchup: The professional baseball player pool at Coastal Carolina was slim pickings, so La Stella, whose career is in its infancy at only 93 games, was selected to represent his school. Selig’s career as Commissioner of Baseball spanned three decades.
The Edge: Tommy La Stella. Anyone who is not responsible for the All-Star Game determining World Series home field advantage was going to win that one.
Dave Roberts (Oregon) vs. Pete Incaviglia (Oklahoma State)
The Matchup: Roberts is a hero in Boston forever for his steal in the ninth inning of game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. That set the wheels in motion to the greatest comeback (or greatest collapse) in postseason history. Incaviglia was the exact opposite of Roberts. Instead of small and fast, he was big and fat. He also was a classic late 80s all or nothing slugger. It was either a bomb or a strikeout. He averaged 157.6 strikeouts per season from 1986 through 1990, second only to Rob Deer during that span.
The Edge: Incaviglia will wait patiently for his chance, then miss Roberts by a mile. Roberts then runs for the win.
Johnny Ray (Arkansas) vs. John Boozer (Wofford)
The Matchup: John Boozer went 14-16 over seven nondescript MLB seasons. Johnny Ray was a double hitting machine for the Pittsburgh Pirates. More importantly, he shares his name with singer Jonny Ray who will always be remembered from the song “Come on Eileen.” I was saddened while doing my prep for this piece that it wasn’t in fact the Pirates second baseman in that song.
The Edge: Because everyone will be doing it today and tomorrow, Boozer advances in another upset.
BJ Surhoff (NC) vs. Jeff Musselman (Harvard)
The Matchup: B.J. Surhoff is some critic’s pick to take it all in this tournament. With over 2,000 lifetime hits and a silver medal in baseball from the 1984 Olympic Games, it seems almost unfair to mention that B.J.’s dad also played for two years in the NBA. So basketball or baseball, the Surhoff family is ripe with natural athletes. Jeff Musselman, on the other hand, works with Scott Boras.
The Edge: Jeff Musselman in a shocking upset that some will attribute to Boras.
Frank Robinson (Xavier) vs. Chris Coghlan (Ole Miss)
The Matchup: Frank Robinson’s unbelievable credentials not only make him the heavy favorite in this matchup but also a likely candidate for “best friend in my head”. The Hall of Famer is the only player to win MVP in both the NL and the AL. Robinson also managed the incredible feat of winning the Triple Crown. Chris Coghlan was the 2009 NL Rookie of the Year and married one of the losers from The Bachelorette season 14.
The Edge: Frank Robinson doesn’t even have to show up to bring the trophy home. He’s that good.
Ted Lyons (Baylor) vs. Coca-Cola (Georgia State)
The Matchup: This may be the battle of round one. Baylor brought out the big guns and produced a Hall of Famer in Ted Lyons. Lyons won 260 games in the 1930’s and 40’s. Georgia State brought a refreshing beverage that is enjoyed by everyone around the world. Even I know that, and I am the biggest Pepsi supporter on Earth.
The Edge: Nice try Baylor, but a vote against Coca-Cola is a vote against America.
Brandon Inge (VCU) vs. Nick Swisher (Ohio State)
The Matchup: Long-time super utility player Brandon Inge is the kind of guy anyone would like to have on their team. He is the kind of player who will fill in where needed and give it his all. He may never be the best guy out there, but he sure isn’t half bad. Nick Swisher, on the other hand, was in an episode of How I Met Your Mother and wasn’t entirely terrible.
The Edge: Nick Swisher. With stats that edge out Inge’s across the board, he also isn’t saddled with the notoriety of holding the Tigers franchise mark for most strikeouts.
Kenny Lofton (AZ) vs. Michael Strahan (Texas Southern)
The Matchup: Kenny Lofton is basically the man. The six-time All Star is fast as all hell, having won the AL Stolen Base championship on five separate occasions. Lofton is also one of only two men to have played in both the NCAA Final Four and the MLB World Series. Michael Strahan comes in strong for Texas Southern who did not quickly produce a solid baseball player among its’ alum.
The Edge: If this was a football bracket or a Subway sandwich bracket or a good friend of Kelly Ripa bracket, Strahan might stand a chance. But it’s not, so we have to go with Lofton all the way.
SOUTH
Scott Schoenweis (Duke) vs. Robert Morris (UNF/RMU)
The Matchup: As any fan who suffered the 2007-2008 NY Mets bullpen will tell you, if Scott Schoenweis is your best foot forward, you might be in a little bit of trouble. As the luck of the draw would have it, his bracket opponent is Robert Morris – the man for whom RMU is named. Robert Morris was an original signer of the Declaration of Independence who was jailed for going bankrupt.
The Edge: Scott Schoenweis. While he may not be the best athlete around, Schoenweis has suffered some difficult times in his life and turned them into positivity. Morris just hid out after he got busted for bankruptcy. The fortitude of Schoenweis gets him the nod here.
Tony Gwynn (San Diego State University) vs. Frank Viola (St. John’s)
The Matchup: 15-time All Star and Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn was a lifetime SoCal guy. There is no one better to represent SDSU than the man who played both baseball and basketball there and later returned for a 12-year stint as head coach. In one of the toughest matchups on the board, Gwynn faces off against Cy Young winner Frank Viola. The three-time All Star was the World Series MVP of the 1987 Twins.
The Edge: Tony Gwynn. Just a shame for Frank Viola that he drew such a tough matchup.
Stephen Fife (Utah) vs. A Runaway Mule (Stephen F. Austin)
The Matchup: Stephen Fife boasts a lifetime 4-6 record and wears some crazy goggles. Stephen F. Austin State University did not have any alumni that were more appealing than a runaway mule of Nacogdoches, TX. A backfire during a Marx Brothers show caused this crazy mule to lose his mind and make a break for it, possibly causing a fire. A passerby disrupted the Marx Brothers show to let everyone know about the mule’s antics. After a mass exodus by the audience, Groucho Marx took to insulting the audience. This moment changed the fate of the Marx Brothers forever.
The Edge: The mule. He caused a fire and ended up changing history with it in a far more positive way than Mrs. O’Leary’s cow ever could.
Clyde Sukeforth (Georgetown) vs. Colin Cowherd (East. Wash)
The Matchup: Clyde Sukeforth played ten years and socked two homers. His career highlight, though, was when he became a scout and signed Jackie Robinson, helping to break the color barrier. Colin Cowherd is a loudmouth radio personality on ESPN. He’ll be happy to spend all day telling you how great he is.
The Edge: Sukeforth changed the game. Cowherd makes you want to change the station.
Rick Herrscher (SMU) vs. Jackie Robinson (UCLA)
The Matchup: This is an interesting matchup in that Rick Herrscher who played one season for a godawful 1962 Mets team is actually not even worthy of being on the same field as the great Jackie Robinson. The man who broke down the color barriers while batting a lifetime .311 might not even notice that Rick Herrscher was on the field playing against him with all his might.
The Edge: Robinson, obviously. Having your number retired by every MLB team far trumps playing on a team that put up 120 losses in a single season.
Dick Bertell (Iowa State) vs. Roddy White (UAB)
The Matchup: Bertell is yet another marginal catcher entered in this tournament. He batted .250 with 10 home runs over his seven year career. UAB didn’t even try to march somebody out, they entered “Rowdy” Roddy White, the star NFL receiver.
The Edge: White gets the edge because he has more Twitter followers.
Jim Sundberg (Iowa) vs. Woodrow Wilson (Davidson)
The Matchup: This match pits one of the greatest defensive catchers of his era against a former President of the United States. On one hand, you’ve got Jim Sundberg who boasts 6 Gold Glove Awards and 3 All Star appearances. But on the other hand, you’ve got one-time POTUS Woodrow Wilson who did his best to keep America out of World War I.
The Edge: Sundberg. He had a career .993 fielding average while Wilson eventually did toss the US into the war.
Bo Hart (Gonzaga) vs. Bob Backlund (North Dakota State)
The Matchup: A match for all time. Backlund, the two time WWF champion, vs the Harts. Backlund won his second world title from Bret “Hitman” Hart in November of 1994, and his feud with the Harts continued for years to come. Now, Bo “the one year wonder” Hart is here to reclaim the title for the Hart family.
The Edge: Backlund wins with the cross face chicken wing. Would you bet against this crazy dude?