When I was a teenager, one of my best friends lived in the same fancy New York City apartment building as Will Ferrell. Because we were really cool and extremely popular, we spent more Saturday nights than I am prepared to admit waiting in her lobby for him to show up post SNL. We never once made it out late enough to catch him.
Yesterday, in a stunt for Funny or Die that will benefit Cancer for College, comedian Will Ferrell played all 9 positions for 10 different MLB teams. While plenty of the Twitterverse could not wait to log on and complain, a bigger percent of the population seemed to be entirely entertained by Ferrel’s antics. And while I know teenage me would have loved to have seen Will Ferrell in the flesh, it raised a more important question. If I could put together an all-celebrity baseball team (like Rock and Jock only BETTER, obviously), who would take the field?
Pitcher, Gisele Bundchen
It’s widely believed that a taller pitcher is more durable and throw on a greater downhill plane. The statuesque model certainly fits the height requirement and anyone can attest that both men and women find her intimidating. Her recent Under Armour ads prove that she’s in better shape than a lot of current MLB pitchers. Plus, I would be willing to gamble that a lot of batters would forget to swing with Gisele on the mound.
Catcher, Michael Clarke Duncan
May he rest in peace always, but wouldn’t Michael Clarke Duncan have been the perfect catcher? Absolutely no one is making it through him to home plate. And with the MLB so concerned about speeding up the game, what pitcher is going to shake off any signal he throws? “As you wish, Mr. Michael Clarke Duncan.”
First Base, Hulk Hogan
Since this whole scenario is a pipe dream anyway, first base will be played by in-his-prime Hulk Hogan. There is no doubt that those 24-inch pythons could stretch to reach any poorly thrown ball. Plus, as oiled up as he is, any bang-bang play with the Hulk would have the offensive player sliding right off the base and ready to be tagged out.
Second Base, Ross Gellar
There is no doubt that Ross Geller is an intelligent man. Having a second baseman who makes smart plays and thinks quickly on his feet is invaluable to this squad. Plus, who better to perform a more aggressive pivot to turn a double play than Ross?
Shortstop, Smithers
There is no more demanding position in baseball than that of shortstop. A good shortstop must be able to adjust quickly and not let quick changes phase them. There may be no boss more demanding than Mr. Burns, so dealing with the demands of playing shortstop would likely be a vacation for Smithers. Plus, as anyone who has seen “Homer at the Bat” can attest, Smithers has a wicked shrewd baseball mind.
Third Base, Mr. Miyagi
A good third baseman has lightning fast instincts and any 3B who can catch a fly with chopsticks is ok by me. Plus, everyone knows Miyagi is literally the most kick-ass mentor anyone could ever have so he is great for guiding the younger players.
Left Field, Mario Lopez
Great endurance and the ability to run are a key component of any good outfielder. Mario Lopez, a known marathon runner, has both the speed and physical prowess to make a decent left fielder. And to top it all off, he’s had the fortitude to endure a career that was born from Saved by the Bell. Not everyone has been so lucky (not mentioning any names, but I’m looking at you, Lisa Turtle.)
Center Field, Kurt Russell
Once upon a time, Kurt Russell played second base for various California Angels minor league affiliates. Prior to sustaining a serious shoulder injury, he was a force at the plate, batting a .563 in advanced Double-A ball. I am probably cheating selecting Kurt Russell at this point. But this team has turned out worse than the Bad News Bears so I need a little room for a ringer. Plus, I am taking him out of his comfort zone in the infield so that has to count for something.
Right Field, Donkey Kong
A good outfielder should have a cannon for an arm. While there were other great candidates with stellar arms (honorable mentions to Naomi Campbell and the dude who threw a shoe at George W. Bush), ultimately Donkey’s ability to toss a barrel great lengths won him the final spot on the roster.