Living in a house where Minnesota Twins and Washington Redskins fandom reign supreme, there is generally very little from a sports perspective to be grateful for. While there may be a candlelit shrine to the great year that was 1991, the present is filled with a lot of snickers, overtold jokes, and condolences. The highlight of the NFL season thus far has been creating a photo collage of my husband’s misery while watching Sunday football and reminiscing about Mark Sanchez’s butt fumble.
So if, like me, you weren’t blessed enough to be born into a sports dynasty loving family, I thought I would offer some suggestions on things you can be grateful for this holiday sports season.
Washington Redskins fans should be grateful for just how terrible this team is. Sure, the Skins cashed it all in for RGIII who is looking to be nothing short of Ryan Leaf-esque bust status. And yes, of course they are so terrible that they got trounced by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The upside of all of this? They are so terrible that the continual attack on the alleged racist implications of the name have fallen to the wayside. No one but the finest of internet trolls want to kick a man when he’s that far down.
New York Giants fans are entirely grateful this year for Jennifer Lawrence. And no, not because she is a pretty distraction from a 3-8 season. They are thrilled to have finally found someone who makes more ridiculous faces than Eli Manning.
Back in 2012, M&Ms lost their stronghold in the candy market to still-reigning champion Snickers bars. There was plenty of reason for the good folks at the M&M factory to rejoice when Johnny Manziel allegedly punched a guy in the face for asking for a hug. Maybe Johnny really just isn’t himself when he’s hungry.
While Outback Steakhouse may have celebrated an abundance of Bloomin’ Mondays this NASCAR season, the powers that be can be really grateful that they cut Ryan Newman’s sponsorship loose this year. Newman came thisclose to becoming the first Sprint Cup champion who did not win a single race. No one wants to be associated with a champion like that.
On a similar note, Ryan Newman and his fans should be grateful he’s good at a sport where you don’t actually have to win anything to make it to the finals.
Being an NL East fan, you are entirely accustomed to jaw-dropping contracts that all-but-guarantee your team will be sitting at home this October. Or if your team is the one issuing the contracts, you can be assured that in three years time, you will have a payroll of 500 bajillion dollars with a team whose average age is 74. While non-Red Sox fans may be less than thrilled at the BoSox off-season spending habits, be grateful that they dumped that money into Hanley Ramirez. Color me bitter for that one year he screwed me over in fantasy, but it would be a shock to watch him make it through 2015 healthy, never mind 2019.
If you are a purveyor of winter gear (I’m looking at you, North Face!), you should be thanking your lucky stars this holiday season. I can only assume hell has actually frozen over with the New York Islanders sitting pretty in first place.
Remember the Seattle Supersonics? I know some of you remain hateful that the team thought Oklahoma City was a better place to shoot hoops. No time like the present to be thankful that their 3-12 record is some other city’s problem.